


Stay. (The three times Jeno left as Jaemin expected and the one time he didn’t)

by ImJustMi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Delivery Boy Lee Jeno, Delivery Person Lee Jeno, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Na Jaemin-centric, Photographer Na Jaemin, Sad Lee Jeno, Sad Na Jaemin, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Indulgent, Self-Worth Issues, emotionally constipated Jaemin, nomin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:02:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,790
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26580331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImJustMi/pseuds/ImJustMi
Summary: If I know you're going to leave from the beginning, is it going to hurt less?You're going to leave like everybody else. Then just go. I won't stop you.I knew you were going to leave from the start, but why now?Stay.(or: the three times Jeno left as Jaemin expected and the one time he didn't)
Relationships: Lee Jeno & Na Jaemin, Lee Jeno/Na Jaemin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 46





	1. Chapter 1: the three times he left

**_If I know you're going to leave me from the beginning, is it going to hurt less?_ **

Jaemin had always been afraid, or rather certain, that sooner or later everyone would leave him. No one in the world would ever choose him. No one in the world would go beyond the detached facade he had built, no one would ever have the patience to really know him and love him. Besides, his parents didn't either. For this reason, Jaemin expected all the people that came into his life to come out any minute, and he would have done everything in his power to make sure there was no trace of it. 

Until, Jeno happened.

Without even trying, the older boy had slowly broken through Jaemin's heart, had become part of his routine, of his days all gray and equal, and he had brought light into his life. Jeno had loved his flaws as if they were merits and Jaemin had allowed himself for once, only, to linger a little longer in those pleasant hugs.

But happiness is as fleeting as a fistful of sand, and the tighter you hold it the more it slips away.

If I know you're going to leave me, is it going to hurt less?

Jaemin taught, but when he looked at Jeno's eyes becoming crescents when he smiled, his heart tightened, and he could already feel the lump in his throat. Because no, in no universe could he let Jeno go without being hurt.

“Jaem... I'm really sorry. I promised you we'd spend the night together but again-”

"I know, Jen. They need your help to pass the exam. Our date can wait" Jeamin's lips were so close to Jeno's chest that those words resonated throughout his whole body. The pink-haired boy had managed to keep his composure until then, but Jeno could feel the bitterness in his words, and his heart broke at the thought of the youngest who holding back once more, even when he had every right to be angry with him for not staying on his birthday.

Jaemin's smile was barely there, but his eyes were honest.

And that was the thing Jeno hated the most. Jaemin was really honest, he really thought their date could wait, that they weren't important enough to be a priority for both of them.

Jaemin never stopped him.

Even that time, even on his birthday, when Jeno had to leave after they had only been together for a few hours, Jaemin had never tried to stop him. 

In the end, they both knew Jeno would come back.

« **_You’re going to leave like everybody else! Then just go… I’m not going to stop you!_ ** »Jaemin was a mess of tears, his whole face was red and his throat hurt from all that screaming. He didn't care about the neighbors hearing them. He was tired, too tired to pretend everything was okay. They had been fighting all afternoon, and by now they were both worn out. 

Jeno knew something was wrong, Jaemin never cried in front of anyone. He knew something had happened to reduce him in those conditions, but after hours and hours of screaming at each other, he felt like he understood even less the boy he loved so much.

So, eventually, he gave up.

«You’re right… I should probably go. We’ve done nothing but hurt each other today. Call me when you feel like it and I’ll be there for you. Even if I leave, I will always come back» and with teary eyes Jeno left the apartment.

They were both still too young, too naive, and unwary, to realize that running away wouldn't solve anything.

  
  


**_I knew he was going to leave me from the beginning..._ **

« **_But why right now?_ ** » Jaemin’s voice was trembling, «Why do you have to enlist right now?»

From the day Jeno left Jaemin's house, nothing had been the same. Every kiss, every word, every interaction had become ravenous and fierce. They had begun to speak less and less with their voices and more with their bodies. All the unresolved questions still weighed on their shoulders, until they got used to the burden and completely forgot about how life was before then. The times where they would share their inner thoughts in the middle of the nights while watching the ceiling next to each other, fingers intertwined, messy hair, and honest voices, felt like a fever dream, like a strong desire that resembled memories but never happened. They had to forget if they wanted it to last until it could. 

But then one day Jeno found the courage to destroy that semblance of normality they had barely built.

«Jaemin, I think we should break up» Jeno was trying his best to stay composed, «we won’t be able to see each other for two years, we might have to wait months just for a call or a text. We’re already struggling and we see each other every day. Jaemin, it’s only going to hurt more».

«I can wait» his words sounded more desperate than how Jaemin would have liked to, but maybe it would have been enough to make him change his mind. 

«But I can’t, and you shouldn’t too». 

_ Then stay _ . Jaemin's words were stuck in his throat by his low and hoarse sobs. Once again, he wanted to yell at him to stay, to prove him wrong, to show him that he at least would choose him and stay. 

Stay. 

The word Jeno wanted to hear the most in the world. Even now that it was too late and nothing could have changed, his only wish was for the younger one to ask him to stay.

But no words left his mouth, not when Jeno kissed him, slowly and intimately for the last time, not when Jeno sighed while turning his back, not when Jeno disappeared right before his eyes.


	2. wish you were here

Jaemin had always known that life without Jeno would have been hard, from the moment he trusted him with his heart he knew he was going to miss his presence when the moment of saying goodbye would have come. But still, he allowed himself to indulge in his warm embraces, to hope that Jeno would have stayed by his side until they both grew old.

He was wrong. Jeno left and it was his fault, for not being able to fight for what he loved.

Three years later, Jaemin still could not forgive himself for what he had done to the both of them. If only he hadn’t been so stubborn, Jeno would not have needed to leave for their sakes.

Life without the love of his life was a lot harder than he had imagined. He still wasn’t sure that time could make everything go back to normal. After some time, the ache in his chest had become just a numb feeling, his eyes had stopped watering whenever something reminded him of Jeno, he didn’t feel that tingling sensation at the back of his throat anymore whenever he had to pronounce his name. Everything was just… grey.

Whether it was a happy moment or a sad one, since Jeno left everything Jaemin felt was just incomplete, like he was going to sneeze at any moment but was never able to.

But things would get better, right?

His friends reminded him almost every day, until he too started to believe it could happen.

And while that feeling of absence was secure in its place, Jaemin slowly began to understand himself more, and accept and love all those things that Jeno had loved before.

He completely cut ties with his family. It hadn’t been so difficult since his parents had never wanted him in the first place. When Jeno was still by his side, those nights when he felt unloved and forgotten were always full of kind whispers and patience, even if Jaemin had never told him what the actual situation was, even when he began to pour his stress on him. Jeno had always come back. And only after Jeno left he realized he couldn’t always expect others to stay by his side unconditionally, and more importantly, he wasn’t obliged to stay with someone who didn’t care about his existence. So, he moved to another apartment, changed his number and disappeared.

No one had ever looked for him anyways.

  
  


Except, Jeno did.

He was always searching for Jaemin, waiting for him to appear around the corner, even if it was impossible, in his dreams where no one could see them. And Jaemin used to be everywhere, in the rice he was eating, in the cold morning air, in the sound of the wind, in the shining stars, in his mind, in his heart, in his eyes. Jaemin was in his eyes, and no matter how far Jeno could run away, he would always long for him. 

So once he was discharged, even before calling his parents to meet them, even before unpacking his luggage, the first thing Jeno did was looking for Jaemin. 

But the young boy he still loved so much was nowhere to be found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> next chapter should be the last. i had initially planned this to be a two chapter story but i don't wanna make you wait too much and this part is not really making the story go on so i thought i could post it on its own. thank you so much to everyone who read it and left a kudo. i'm not really confident about my writing skills, especially in english so your support really means a lot to me. i'll go back to writing!


	3. Stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i feel bad because i keep saying that next chapter will be the last but i'm enjoying this more than i imagined, so i don't know how many more parts it will have. i could've waited and post everything together but it's kinda pointless to write without feedback so i think i will do shorter chapters but updating more frequently, so that you don't have to wait too much and i keep feeling motivated. i want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to everyone who's been reading. you're really special to me and i hope you have a great day.
> 
> enjoy this chapter <3

**Stay.**

«Na Jaemin, you’re going drinking with me and Renjun tonight and I won’t accept no for an answer!» even through the phone, Donghyuck’s voice was too loud for Jaemin to hear it as soon as he woke up. 

«I’m sorry Hyuck, you know I have work to do» Jaemin’s voice was still croaky.

«But it’s Sunday night» he whined trying to persuade him, «and besides, you can’t always eat delivery food. You need to have a proper meal».

Jaemin whispered while brushing his hair with his free hand, «I need to edit the photos I took yesterday, and I’m already eating properly. Do you remember that flyer you found on the floor behind my door a couple weeks ago?»

«The poorly made one of a home-cooked delivery place? Did you really trust it? Jaem are you okay?»

«Yes, that one. And calm down, it was actually pretty good. They are the only one aside from fast food to have a 24h delivery service, so I thought about giving them a choice and honestly, they’re the best meals I’ve eaten this year».

«Just be careful when you open the door».

«Actually, they’re very discrete. I don’t think I’ve ever seen who delivers my order, I usually get a text that my order has arrived and when I open the door it’s already there. I thought it was because I order really late at night so they try to not make any noise, but now that I think about it, maybe I should know who delivers my food? Just to be safe and, I don’t know, leave them a tip for their late night service?»

«I don’t think it’s a good idea», Jaemin was startled by Hyuck’s weirdly serious words.

«Mh?»

«I mean, it might be dangerous at night since you live alone, and I think you can tip them when placing the order if you really want. There’s no need to meet them, they’re probably a middle aged man helping his grandma’s business, am I right?» he laughed dismissively.

«Why do I feel like you’re hiding me somethi-»

«Ugh, Mark is calling me because he can’t find his socks» Jaemin could almost see him rolling his eyes, «if someone had told me that this was also part of moving in together I would’ve lived on my own forever».

«Don’t be dramatic, you love him too much».

«I do. But you can still be free so don’t be fooled and enjoy your freedom while you can. I have to go now. Let me know when you’re free this week, we miss you too much».

«I will. I miss you too. Bye». 

Hyuck was being careful, too careful if you’d asked Jaemin. They had been best friends for most of their lives. No, they were more than that. Hyuck was his family, they had shared everything with each other, they had eaten the same meals, went to the same school, wore each other’s clothes, spent the holidays together, slept under the same rooftop, in the same bed. There was no one in the world who knew Donghyuck better than him, and he could feel in his guts that Hyuck’s behaviour was unusual. 

But Jaemin’s life was already too unstable to worry about his presumptions, so he immediately shrugged it off and started to finally work on his photos. It was a small wedding, but the warmth of those smiles, the joy sparkling in the eyes of every guest as soon as they saw the bride, Jaemin couldn’t let them be forgotten, and eventually ended up with definitely too many pictures. 

  
«I would’ve liked a wedding like that, too».

The screen of Jaemin’s phone lit up and a text message appeared on screen, the bright sun emoji on the contact name immediately catching his attention.

from: 🌞

renjun and i have managed to both be free on thursday, is it okay for you? 


	4. Stay.

If Jaemin had to be completely honest, Hyuck’s words only made him more curious about who was actually delivering all of his delicious dinner, and he might or might have not tried more than once to find out the truth, without any actual results 

He made his first attempt on Monday, but ended up getting too immersed into his work and forgot his plan until his phone lit up, and the usual text saying “your meal has been delivered!” popped up on his screen. Jaemin ran up to the door and opened it quickly, but as it had always happened, there was a bag with his food hanging to the doorknob and no one was there.

Unfortunately for him, the nice old lady who lived in front of him happened to cook too much stew on Tuesday, and so he wasn’t able to go through with his plan, for the second time. 

Jaemin had the feeling that the whole universe was telling him not to meet with the delivering person. Maybe Hyuck was right, it could’ve been someone dangerous or just not interesting. But Jaemin had never really listened to the universe at all, or he wouldn’t have been there in the first place. He had learnt that sometimes you need to go against the world to achieve what you wanted, and he wasn’t the type to just stay still anymore. 

So he prepared in advance for wednesday. He had finished his work in advance so that he wouldn’t have been too busy to go out with his friends the next day, but this also allowed him to keep watching through the peephole while waiting for his food to arrive. In this way, he wouldn’t actually have to meet with the stranger but he could’ve finally given a face to the kind person who had brought him dinner for the past weeks. 

Jaemin smiled while placing his order, noticing that today’s meal was kimchi stew, one of his favourite dishes from that place because it reminded him of the one his grandma used to cook him when he got good grades. It would’ve been there in twenty minutes, he just needed to wait.

He hadn’t felt so nervous and excited in months, and Jaemin felt a little embarrassed thinking that it was happening because of something so useless. But every time he heard steps coming from the stairs, he couldn’t help but feel his heartbeat go faster, just to leave him disappointed when no one came closer to his door.

Then, after twenty-four minutes of waiting, a tall, slim figure, wearing a black sweater and jeans, finally entered his field of view. Jaemin thought that he was definitely a man, probably not much older than him, but he couldn’t see his face due to his hat and face mask.   
He watched the young man with a surprised expression, feeling more and more nervous as he got closer. There was just the thin door to divide them, it was less than a meter, and Jaemin felt the need to hold his breath, as if he was going to get caught at any moment. The guy left the bag hanging to Jaemin’s door knob as he always did, then he looked up, just a little over the peephole, and Jaemin’s heart dropped. Two dark eyes, turning into the saddest crescents he had ever seen, the mole under his right eye.

Those eyes were unmistakable, they were... 

«Jeno’s eyes...»


	5. Stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw // slight mention of coming out to homophobic parents, it's barely hinted at and it's at the very end

What should be the first words you say to someone who once meant so much to you but you haven’t met for so long?  
Jeno had thought about those words for years while waiting for Jaemin to appear in his life again.

I’m here.

No, I’m here to stay. Would that have been enough? How can you build trust once again, after all those childish mistakes? So Jeno thought about it, and thought and thought again, because Jaemin was nowhere to be found, and those words were still only in his mind.

But it wasn’t the same for Jaemin. Nothing had ever prepared him for that situation, no one, not even once in his life, had ever told him that who left him could also come back. Every adult in his life had only taught him how to say goodbye, how to let go, to stay away from people who he fought with, to accept death as an end, to never say hello to the ones who leave. 

So what to say in that circumstance? 

How are you?  
Where have you been?  
What have you been doing all this time?

And what if he couldn’t find any more words? What if he told him that he missed him and he missed him too? Was it really worth it, to live the same pain, the same love, once again?

But Jaemin’s mind was behind his heart when he instinctively opened the door, making Jeno retreat in surprise. His eyes were already clouded by tears but he had to be strong, he had to say it now or he would’ve been too scared to say it later.

«Jeno...»

«Jaemin, I can explain, I-»

«Don’t go, Jeno. Please, stay. Stay» Jaemin's words slipped out of his mouth like the lyrics of his favourite song, naturally as he had said them thousands of times, heartfelt like nothing he had ever told before. It didn’t matter anymore, Jeno wasn’t part of his life so he didn’t have anything to lose.  
Then why did he still feel so damn scared? Why were tears flooding out of his eyes?  
Jaemin felt like he was a teenager once again, he felt like he had felt after coming out to his parents, waiting for love that would’ve never come. And regret started filling his heart when Jeno’s arms hugged him like never before, like only someone who is used to love from distance could.

«I’m here, Jaemin, I won’t go anywhere, I promise. I’m here to stay. I won’t leave anymore. I don’t want to lose you ever again. Please, give me another chance, give me another chance to stay».

Thousands of things to say were going through their heads, but not another word left their mouth, not when Jaemin opened the door of his house while still being into Jeno’s arms, not when they both entered while holding hands, not when they started kissing until they both fell in a dreamless sleep, because everything they had ever wanted was already beside them.


	6. Stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when I'll finish writing this story I'll edit all the chapters with "stay." as the title in just one chapter, as i had originally intended.   
> this is a short update but i hope you'll enjoy it <3

When Jaemin woke up the next day, the empty bed next him almost made him feel like it had all been just a dream, but his swollen lips and the messy blankets next to him reminded him that it was all real. Jeno wasn’t there, but he felt strangely calm, something inside of his heart told him that Jeno’s words were honest, that he would always come back. When he used to wake up on an empty bed when they were still together his heart clenched, he felt as his bedroom was the coldest place on heart, and scared to be lonely once again. Maybe it was also because it still didn’t feel completely real, there were still so many unanswered questions in Jaemin’s mind that the situation didn’t really make sense. How did Jeno find out where he lived? Since when did he know and why didn’t he confront him directly? Was the delivery service even real?

Jeno had left him a text earlier in the morning, and it was the first thing Jaemin saw when he took his phone.

5:36 AM from: home-cooked delivery service

Good morning, Jaemin.   
I’m so sorry I’m not able to wait for you to wake up and greet you properly, but I have classes to attend in the morning. I’ll be back this afternoon, if it’s okay for you. I believe we still have some things to discuss. I don’t think yesterday I had the chance to tell you how much I missed you, and how thankful I am to the world for giving me the possibility to meet you again.

Jaemin quickly answered him before his phone lit up again, this time showing Hyuck’s phone number and Jaemin accepted the call.

«Good morning, Nana, how did your beautiful day start? I called to remind my handsome, talented, amazing best friend of this evening's long-awaited meeting» Jaemin sincerely smiled at Hyuck’s words.

«You know I wouldn’t forget it, but if I’m being honest I really liked… whatever that was» Hyuck laughed on the other side of his phone.

«You seem kinda happy today, did something good happen?» The thoughts of last night replayed in Jaemin’s mind and he pondered the idea of telling everything to Hyuck, but he still had too many things to discuss with Jeno, and maybe it would’ve been better to talk about it face to face with Renjun too that evening. «Jaemin, are you still there?»

«Um, yes, I’m here», he cleared his throat, «it’s just… yesterday I met the delivery guy and it was actually a nice person, I guess it was nice… to see him», Jaemin’s voice sounded unsure as he opted to tell a half-truth.

«Wait. You met the delivery guy?!» Hyuck sounded more surprised than he should’ve had, so he took a deep breath and tried to put himself together, «um, was he cute?» he tried to cover up, but Jaemin already knew that Hyuck was hiding something.

«Donghyuck, is there something you would like to tell me?» his voice was cold and distant, but he didn’t receive any answer. «Please, Hyuck…»

«So… um, you met... him».

«Yes. I met Jeno.»

And for the first time in years, Hyuck heard that word coming from Jaemin’s mouth.

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever nomin au, i'm not an english speaker so if you find any mistakes please let me know:( I hope you enjoyed the angst.


End file.
